My Story

I vividly remember the moment it hit me, the dull ache of realization that I had not been living the life I had dreamed of. I was being interviewed for a podcast and they asked, “What do you do for fun?” I thought about it for a moment and proudly said, “I work for fun.” After those words dribbled out of my mouth I felt instant regret. That wasn’t what I wanted for myself, or anyone else for that matter. I remembered why I created my business in the first place.

My goal was to have the freedom and flexibility to travel, experience new things, and to have a sense of freedom that I hadn’t ever been afforded. Where I ended up was indoors under fluorescent lighting face-to-face with a laptop 18 hours a day and then flopping into bed only to do the same thing the next day. I wasn’t traveling. I wasn’t experiencing new things, unless you count the time I decided to do an experiment with the frozen meals from the supermarket and document what the marketing image plastered on the front of the box looked like compared to the heinous results that were my lunch each day. I was working to afford myself freedom and I felt more trapped and uninspired than ever before, and it was my own doing. The truth is, I was just winging it and hoping for the best.

You see, in the circles I ran in being overworked burnt-out was the norm. We were all hustling to be someone, to build something, to gain an ounce of validation from our determination to reach the top. Keeping up with the Jones’ forever proves to be a victor less battle. 

I taught myself every aspect of building a business from the ground up, using my savings as a starting point. I built a website, pitched vendors, bought inventory, learned photography, studied search engine optimization, figured out marketplace algorithms, played with social media, hacked public relations, networked, and discovered how to build a personal brand along the way.

Solving problems gave me the dopamine hit I was seeking, but no matter how many articles I was mentioned in, interviews I gave, stages I spoke on, or monetary goals I met I felt neutral. The moment a high was achieved it was as if it had never happened at all. I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I was chasing the wrong highs.

Why did I jump head first into the world of entrepreneurship in the first place? It was to taste freedom, remember? Anxiety flooded my body each morning, my perpetually twitching left eye and what felt like heartburn wasn’t being helped by the copious amounts of coffee I was drinking to stay alert. I was eating whatever was quick and easy, oftentimes skipping meals because I stuck in ADHD hyper focus mode. I pulled away from friends and family because I was doing my own thing.

Truth is, I could barely breathe most days. My personal life was secretly a disaster. I was trying to balance building a business while simultaneously nurturing a long-term relationship with an alcoholic who was disgruntled by my success. I wasn’t prioritizing my physical, mental, or emotional health whatsoever. Something needed to change and the reality was that nobody was going to jump in and save me. Hell, nobody even knew I needed saving because I was masking so well that everything seemed fine. It wasn’t. The truth is I didn’t even possess the skill-set to ask for help.

I was thoroughly burnt out and my nervous system was a wreck. The worst part was that I wanted to fix things but I couldn't bring myself to do so and didn't understand WHY. As time went on, I exited that relationship, disappeared from social media, and took time to rebuild myself.

In tears I told my mom I needed to take a break from making her proud, to which she said, “Oh sweetie, I will always be proud of you.” That was a relief.

If anything is true, it’s that I am someone who needs to learn by trial and error. I’ve been that way since I was a child. I needed to hit rock bottom to then teach myself the skills of rebuilding. My self-worth was non-existent. My confidence was shot. I questioned everything I thought I knew. I had to start from scratch.

There was one friend that knew what was going on and he convinced me to get out of the house and start working out with him. I knew something had to change, so I committed to doing my first Spartan Race in three weeks. That meant I had to start running, working out, and eating to put back on the weight I'd lost while wallowing in my sorrow. He trained me, held me accountable, brought me to the race, and introduced me to a really nice girl who coached me through the whole event.

I finished the race and my cheeks hurt from laughing at the end. I performed much better than I expected I would! In a lot of ways that experience changed everything for me. I built confidence in myself for achieving hard things, made new friends who wanted to help me grow, and realized that I could be better if I put in the effort. I didn't have to be stuck. I am forever grateful to that friend for showing up for me when I barely had the willpower to help myself.

Around that time I buckled down and read books, attended events, listened to podcasts, spoke to new people, signed up for webinars, talked to a therapist, saw a psychiatrist (got diagnosed with moderate depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, and ADHD), studied behavioral health, traveled, made a new circle of friends, learned new habits, set boundaries, and made personal development my entire personality.

In time my perspective on life became crystal clear and it was drastically different than how I viewed it before everything fell apart. It was as if I was a completely different person.

In hindsight, being an entrepreneur wouldn't have been nearly as difficult for me to manage if my personal life was in order. The truth is that I tried to balance it all and didn't have the skill-set to do so. It was too much to handle and something had to give. I'm sharing all this with you because I need you to know that it's possible to come from nothing, build yourself into something, fail, and rebuild. Sometimes, that will happen over and over again.

In a time where we primarily see the highlights of peoples lives on social media, it's important to remember that everything can appear to be going well from the outside, but everyone is struggling with something when you peel back the layers. Please give yourself a little grace.

My journey of self-discovery has been a long one and honestly it’s oftentimes been lonely. I wholeheartedly believe that there is a happy medium somewhere in between the different versions of myself that I have been in the past ten years. There is a way to manage it all without completely burning out and plenty of people are doing it well.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, the people who have made an impact on me, and for the ability to grow and change over time. The place that I am in at the moment is so peaceful and happy, but and I will forever be a work in progress. That brings us to now:

SLFCRE is my passion project. A love letter from me, to you. A heart wrenching collection of the things I have learned by trial and error. An introduction to the people and things that make me want to be a better person. A cheat sheet to taking care of yourself. You can change every aspect of your life if you want to. I have said it before and I will say it again. If I did it, so can you.

xo

Candice