How Bids for Connection Strengthen Relationships
In every relationship, whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or even a family member, there’s an invisible thread of connection. This thread isn’t built overnight, but rather through small, everyday interactions that strengthen or weaken it over time. The Gottman Institute, known for its research on relationships, has given us a profound understanding of these moments of connection, referring to them as “bids for connection.” But what exactly are these bids, and why do they matter so much? Let’s dive into how recognizing and responding to these bids can strengthen the relationships in your life.
What Are Bids for Connection?
At its core, a bid for connection is any attempt made by one person to engage another. It could be something as subtle as a comment about the weather, asking for help with a task, or even a simple smile. These bids are small invitations for attention, affection, and understanding. The magic isn’t just in the bid itself, but in how we respond to it.
When someone makes a bid, they’re not just asking for a response—they’re asking for connection. Over time, how we answer these bids shapes the strength of our relationship. If we consistently turn toward these bids, the connection grows. If we ignore or reject them, the thread of connection weakens.
Why Emotional Bids for Connection Matter
We often think of big gestures—grand romantic actions or deep conversations—as the key to maintaining relationships. While these moments can be important, it’s the everyday bids for connection that often hold the most power. The Gottman Institute’s research shows that couples who consistently respond positively to each other’s bids are more likely to have strong, lasting relationships.
Here’s why these bids are so essential:
- They build trust: When you consistently respond to someone’s bids for connection, it sends a message that you’re there for them. It creates a foundation of trust, showing that you value the relationship.
- They create emotional intimacy: Responding to bids, even the small ones, creates emotional closeness. It’s in these tiny moments of connection where love, understanding, and companionship grow.
- They prevent conflict: Often, unresolved bids for connection can lead to feelings of being ignored or neglected, which can breed resentment and conflict over time. By turning toward your partner’s bids, you prevent these feelings from taking root.
How to Recognize and Respond to Effort
Bids for connection aren’t always obvious. They can come in many forms, and sometimes we miss them simply because we’re too distracted by our own thoughts or the busyness of life. The key is learning how to recognize them and then choosing to respond in a way that strengthens the connection.
Here’s how to do it:
- Be present: The first step is mindfulness. In our fast-paced lives, it’s easy to overlook these small moments. When you’re with someone, whether it’s your partner, friend, or family member, make an effort to truly be present. Put your phone down, make eye contact, and tune in to what they’re saying or doing.
- Turn toward, not away: The key to responding to bids for connection is turning toward them, not away. If someone makes a bid and you ignore it or brush it off, it’s a missed opportunity to strengthen your bond. Whether it’s a simple smile in response to a joke or a heartfelt conversation, turning toward bids builds a foundation of emotional connection.
- Listen actively: Sometimes, a bid for connection comes in the form of a statement, like, “I had a tough day at work.” While it may seem like a casual comment, it could be an invitation for deeper conversation. Responding with empathy or a question like, “Tell me more about your day,” can turn a passing remark into a meaningful exchange.
- Offer emotional support: Not all bids are verbal. Sometimes, a person might seek connection through their body language or expressions. If someone looks upset or stressed, offering a hug, a reassuring touch, or simply asking if they’re okay can be a way to connect.
The Power of Consistency in Strengthening Relationships
It’s not enough to respond to bids occasionally. Relationships thrive on consistency. The more you turn toward each other’s bids, the stronger your connection will become. Over time, these small moments of connection build a reservoir of goodwill that helps the relationship weather any storms that may come.
The Gottman Institute’s research found that successful couples turn toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who ultimately break up only respond to each other’s bids 33% of the time. This shows just how crucial these small interactions are to the overall health of a relationship.
Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy in Relationships
Just as important as recognizing and responding to your partner’s bids is making your own. Sometimes, we hold back from making bids because we fear rejection or feel disconnected. But the more you put yourself out there, the more opportunities you create for connection.
Here are some ways to strengthen your bids for connection:
- Be vulnerable: Don’t be afraid to make bids for emotional support or affection. Whether it’s asking for a hug or sharing something that’s been on your mind, being vulnerable opens the door to deeper connection.
- Express gratitude: A simple “thank you” or compliment is a bid for connection. Expressing appreciation for the small things your partner does helps maintain a positive emotional climate in the relationship.
- Create shared experiences: Spending time together, whether it’s cooking dinner, going for a walk, or simply watching a movie, creates opportunities for bids. When you share experiences, you naturally make more bids for attention and affection.
Small Moments, Big Impact
In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to overlook the small moments of connection that truly make a difference in our relationships. But as the Gottman Institute shows us, these bids for connection are the building blocks of emotional intimacy and trust. The more we turn toward these bids, the stronger our relationships become.
Remember, it’s not the grand gestures or deep conversations that matter most—it’s the everyday moments where we show up for each other. So the next time someone makes a bid for your attention, take a moment to pause, turn toward them, and respond. It’s in these small moments where true connection is built.